People Pleaser or Leader? How Group Practice Owners Can Tell the Difference

I'll start with a confession one of my default settings is to be a people pleaser. I like making people happy, I like saying yes, and I care a lot about the people on my team.

None of that is a bad thing. But over the years, I've had to learn that some of my yeses had more to do with my own discomfort and a desire to not let people down than with good leadership.

Maybe you know the feeling.

An associate asks to shift their schedule, and you say yes before they've finished the sentence. Someone hints that another practice offers a better split, and suddenly you're running numbers at midnight to see how you can match it because you’re scared they’ll leave. You pay for the team lunch, cover the extra admin hours, and take on the client nobody else wants, and then you lie awake wondering why you feel so depleted.

So how do you know if you're giving because you're a leader who values servant leadership, or because you're a people pleaser?

Why This Is So Common for Therapist-Owners

Most of us got into this work because we're good at tuning into other people. We notice when someone's uncomfortable. We want to ease it, and we're trained to hold space for other people's feelings. Those skills make us great clinicians. They can also make it very hard to disappoint someone on our team.

And yet, as one colleague said…one of the things about being a leader means that you are going to disappoint people. And I often say that as group practice owners, we often come last. We take care of our clients, our associates and our admin team, and we tell ourselves we'll get to our own needs later. This takes a turn for the worse because later rarely comes.

Generosity Isn't the Problem

I want to be clear about this... I believe that giving to your team is a good thing. Peer consultation, flexible scheduling, a team retreat and a thoughtful thank-you during the holidays can all be part of a culture people want to be in. I wrote about this in my post on servant leadership, where I talked about the difference between serving and placating.

The tricky part is that people pleasing and leadership can look exactly the same from the outside. The difference is in where the giving comes from and what it costs you.

Kim Scott describes a pattern she calls ruinous empathy, which happens when we care personally about someone but don't challenge them directly.¹ It feels kind in the moment. And yet over time, it leaves our team without the clarity or feedback they need to grow, and it leaves us as leaders feeling resentful and stuck.

Four Questions to Tell the Difference

When you notice yourself about to say yes, or you've already said it and something feels off, try asking yourself these questions.

1. Where is this coming from?

Is this part of a plan you made when you were calm and clear, or is it coming from fear or scarcity mindset? Fear often sounds like worrying that they'll leave, that they'll be upset with you, or that you'll look like a bad GPO. Fear-based giving tends to happen fast and feel urgent rather than with thought and purposefulness.

2. Can the business afford this every month?

This is where your numbers come in. A one-time gesture is very different from an ongoing commitment, and a higher split or extra admin support comes out of your margin every single month. When your margin shrinks, it's usually your pay that takes the hit. Looking at your numbers before you say yes isn't cold. It's what lets you say yes with confidence, or no without guilt.

3. Would I offer this to everyone?

Leadership flourishes when you can be consistent. If you'd offer the same thing to any associate in the same situation, it's probably a policy, and policies are fair. If you're offering it to the person who asks most often, or the one you're most afraid of losing, that's worth noticing. Your team will notice too.

4. How do I feel afterwards?

Resentment is data. If you feel a little sick after saying yes, or you find yourself keeping score, that's a sign the giving came from somewhere other than your values. I've said this before and I'll say it again... if I'm not filling myself up, I burn out and I resent and I want to burn it all down. That's not a place anyone leads well from.  You may not notice resentment in the moment, but that gut feeling is worth paying attention to in the moment.

If I knew they would stay no matter what, would I still be offering this?

A Scenario You Might Recognize

Picture a group practice owner whose most popular associate mentions that a friend's practice pays a higher split. The owner panics a little, and by the end of the week she's offered a five percent increase. It isn't in the budget, but she tells herself she'll make it work because it’s better than losing her highest performer.

A few months later, two other associates find out and ask why they weren't offered the same. Now she either raises everyone's split, which she can't afford, or explains why one person got special treatment. She's resentful, the team feels the inequity, and the associate she was trying to keep still leaves a year later for reasons that had nothing to do with the split.

The giving wasn't the mistake. Giving from fear, without a plan, or truly identifying what the impact would be on the business or the team was.

Why Clarity Is the Kinder Choice

Brené Brown puts it simply... "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."² When we people please, we often avoid being clear because we don't want to upset anyone. But a team that never knows where they stand, or that sees their owner say yes one week and pull back the next, ends up feeling less safe, not more.

Your associates don't need you to say yes to everything. They need you to be consistent, honest and fair, and to take care of the business that takes care of them.

This Isn't About Caring Less

When I talk about this with owners, I sometimes see a flash of worry... "So I'm supposed to stop caring?  Or take back everything I’ve been giving?" Not at all. The goal isn't to become colder or more rigid, and it isn't to swing to the other extreme where you say no to everything to prove a point. There are so many ways to run a group practice, and how generous you choose to be is your call. What I want is for that choice to come from you, from your values and your numbers, rather than from fear of how someone will react or if they’ll leave. When your giving is intentional, you can enjoy it again, and so can your team.

How to Lead From Generosity Instead of Fear

If you're ready to shift this, here are a few places to start:

•      Pause before you answer. "Let me think about that and get back to you by Friday" is a complete response.

•      Decide what you give in advance, like a compensation review once a year or a set budget for team events.

•      Check your numbers before you commit to anything new.

•      Decide if you want to turn a favour you’re considering into a policy, so everyone has access to the same things.

•      Notice resentment and get curious about it instead of pushing it down.

•      Talk it through with someone outside your team who understands the role.

Final Thoughts

Being a people pleaser doesn't make you a bad leader. Most of the owners I work with care deeply about their teams, and that care is one of their biggest strengths. Leadership is about channelling that care through structure and boundaries so it lasts... for your team, your clients and you.

If you'd like a space to talk through these decisions with other Canadian owners who get it, come join us in Group Practice Connection. You can learn more about GPC here, and I'd love to have you in the room.

References

1.     Kim Scott, Radical Candor (St. Martin's Press, 2017)

2.     Brené Brown, Dare to Lead (Random House, 2018)